To Laura,


My dearest friend, soulmate and perpertual other half of my circle of life. I'm sorry our discussion turned to anger, as many of them so often do. You know I don't mean any of the cruel words I say. If I accuse you of misinterpreting then it's only because what I said wasn't interpretable in the first place.

   I just want you to know I never, ever meant to hurt you. I hate myself a thousand times over for doing these things to you. You truly are my best friend and I just want you to know, from the very bottom of my heart, that I want you to be happy. If that means CJ, if it means No one, so be it. I just want the best for you and I know that could never ever be me. 

  I never meant for things to end up like this, I have a habit of wearing my heart on my sleeve and have in the past been much too eager to give it to you, only to want it back at the worst possible times. If I've hurt you, or gone against your word, It was only because I hoped you'd move on. Find someone better, who won't break your back and can truly catch you whenever you fall. But I don't want to lose you. You're my everything and the first absolutely sincere smile I wore, all those years ago, that I hadn't worn since I was a boy. I wore that because of you.

 I'm sorry I haven't reciprocated all of the love you've poured into my soul. I guess I was so greedy, I drank it all and forgot how to make a new batch. You and I both know I'm not much for cooking. But I'm trying to change, trying to be the man you always said I could be. I want more than anything in the whole world, to make things right. But redemption is a slow and arduous process. One I am only just beginning to understand. I can only ask for your patience I suppose, or in the case regarding my present state of mind - your forgiveness. 

At this moment in time, I feel to say the very least, displaced. Lost amongst the pitch black ether with no fire inside of me to ignite the phosphours that surround me. I know there's some way for me to see, I just can't find it. I guess the matches got wet when you caught me drowning. Pulled me out and told me wrong from right. Despite the compas surrounding my heart pointing in the right direction, I don't know how much longer I can go on if all I'm doing is hurting you, I wish you could see things the way I do, I wish my words made sense to you the way they do to me. Maybe I'm dislexic. At least my soul is. That, or vastly confused.

The fact is, up until this point, I would have been entirely lost without you. I'd have fallen, self immolated, into the cold depths of the water from the top of the highest bridge. Like a dying meteor, crashing into the ocean. As much as, at this very moment, there is nothing I want more than that, I will continue on as I have been. I feel like Boxer, the old horse in Animal Farm."I will work harder" "I will work harder" until I've worn myself thin.

I'm so thin these days, all of that muscle and heaviness I've worked so hard to maintain. Flesh, stripped from my bones. Soon there will be little, or nothing. Eventually I won't feel a thing. But I don't want that. Not for me. Not for us. I want to feel, to feel with you, all of the beauty in the world. I want to watch every change of every generation with you. Every sunset on the things we'll eventually put completely behind us and every sunrise on the new and better things to come. I want to feel, to feel anything but this hurt inside. This hurt I bottle up, pour it out scalding hot, mold it into perfet shape and send down the barrel of a rifle. It seems no matter where I aim, my crosshairs end up finding your heart. I never ever wanted it to be that way. We're like two magnets in a child's hands. We could connect so easily if only he could grasp the concept of positive and negative. Even when the magnets do stick, it's only ever because he's just switched them about in his hands. Like that child, I'll eventually learn, just which way to align my soul, so we might be a peace. Until then, I feel my future is indefinite, as i sit here waiting for these damn pills to possibly work so I can untie this noose from around my neck and get off of the damn table. I don't think it matters either way, I'm not strong enough to tie it to the ceiling. Not strong enough to pull the trigger. I wouldn't want anyone to find me like that. I wouldn't want anyone to know me like that. The last of me, dangling in the middle of the room or painted on the shower walls. I may be selfish but I'm not THAT selfish, as much as I want to be, crave to be, would do anything to be, I am not that selfish. I could never leave you alone in this cold world and I never intend to.

I just want you to know that all I want, is what's best for both of us. Whatever you think that is,well that's what I want. I don't care if it hurts, just so long as it brings you some form of peace after all of the sleepless nights I've put you through. I wish, with all of my heart and soul that things could just go back to the way they were, but I know it's going to take a long time before they can even get close. I just hope you know, I really am trying. Please don't mistake my confusion for selfishness, I never meant to make you hurt or seem like I was blaming you. I never meant to make you out to be anything other than exactly what you are, my friend, former love, broken but slightly mended, all because of me. So forgive my actions, my words, my thoughts and live your life in peace and harmony. I will do everthing I can to make things right. Someway, somehow. I'll do it. I swear. I love you Laura, platonically, despite whatever old emotions may linger below and just know, that you are truly my best friend, soulmate and companion to walk through this fucked up life, hand in hand with, no matter what the devil throws our way. We're always going to make it out, standing on our feet. Because that's what we were born to do. All my love, Joshua