I miss you

Dearest,
I'm listening to Sixx AM again, and it's making me miss you terribly. It makes my stomach clench and makes me wanna scream. I think I lost count on how many times I picked up my phone or thought about calling you. I miss you. So much it's making every fiber of my body twist and turn, like I'm a druggie just itching for my next fix. My eyes hurt, as if I've been crying despite not having done so yet. I don't regret my choices, love. I don't. The time to act and try to fix it has long since past and it's time to live with the consequences. I wonder how you are, legitimately wonder. I hope you're doing well and I hope everyone's okay. I still worry about you as if nothing changed.


Your name makes me jump, did you know that? 
Every time the phone rings, I think it's you.
Every knock on the door, becomes you.
Every missed call becomes you.
Every late text message is you.
Every email is you.
Every little thing reminds me of you.


It's getting insufferable. It's getting harder to ignore, and although I love you, still, I WILL ignore this. I keep telling myself that if you missed me, you'd have done something about it. I told you I love you, so I can't be your friend, it was easier to make you hate me and not hate yourself. It's easier to hate me, love. 
I dropped everything I was doing for you. Christmas gifts, summer trips, writing books, shields, everything. The more you hate me, the easier you move on, right? 


Well, despite everything, I miss you darling. A lot. The you that needed me. The you that wouldnt let me leave him. The you that called me daily, multiple times a day for NO reason whatsoever. The you that made me feel loved. The you that made me invincible and flawless. 


Regardless, I miss you.
I hope you're doing well.


Always and Forever Yours,

Me.