Midsummer's Night Crisis

It’s almost 2:30 in the morning and everyone is FINALLY asleep. Which usually means I’m left alone to my own thoughts… not the best of ideas. My friend on Skype is off to shower so I get more time to sit and wonder about everything. How I can go from 900k thoughts a minute to none in 0 seconds flat is beyond me and when it’s time to write it down and exorcise these stupid thoughts, few things come to mind.

For one, I’m wondering why I agreed to transcribe these files for my cousin (a job that couldn’t possibly be more boring), and more importantly why I want to do it at 3 in the morning. And then I’m thinking about the young man responsible for all my mood swings and broken heart. The saddest part? He didn’t do anything this time, not really anyway. 

I feel cheap, honestly. Another feeling without cause, I guess. I have no reason to. And nothing is theoretically wrong. Work is going well, my boss is as great as ever, my love life is paused (but then it has been for a while with my lack of dating and such), my family is fine, my friends are… my friends.

But there’s this void… A void that contracts and expands as it pleases and one moment leaves me happy and content with being where I am, and in the next it makes me contemplate the reasons why I’m taking another breath. Maybe not to that extent right now. I seem to have gotten a handle on my desire to die. It’s more or less tamed for the moment.

I guess I need to vent. Or have a drink. Or light a cig. Or slice one up. But I guess not. No drinking, no cutting, no smoking. I promised. I found myself I guess… a me I didn’t think I had. (funny visual isn’t it? As if I’m looking through a trunk of old photos) 

I can’t tell him I feel alone, that I need him, that everything hurts. He wouldn’t want to know. And I’m not. And at the same time I am. And I can’t shake the cheap feelings… I think it’s the lack of sleep. Yes, sleep will fix it. I’ll tell him in the morning.