Dearest,

You've been rather busy lately. It's been more than a month. So I'll write you a quick note to fill you in.

I fell in love, you know, and he turned out to be an asshole. I don't plan on making that mistake again. I actually trusted him. Saw a refuge in him. Ran to him and needed him. He was just like the other ones. JUST LIKE.

I started drinking again. Not as much as before, but some nights I need something to take the edge off. Something to make my friends not think there's something wrong with me. They deserve to think I'm okay.

I started hating myself again. Slowly I'm noticing my fuck-ups. Even being a good friend doesn't seem to work out for me anymore. They don't come to me, and I can't help them. I can't do anything right anymore.

I started smoking again. Something else to take the edge off. The smoke in my lungs, how it burns my mouth and everything else feels rather good. It reminds me of terrible things, but it takes my mind off of things.

I started crying again. For no reason sometimes. It just makes the walls crack and it all falls apart. I can't help it and I try so hard to make it stop. Im not sure what's wrong anymore. Or what caused it.

I started fighting again. Pissing off Bel and co just to get the rush for the evening. Feeling the ribs crack and watching the bruises form seems to be quite the entertainment for me nowadays. I can't stop.

I started running again. Running from me, from being alone with my thoughts. From feeling this unquenchable need to satisfy this desire for death. I don't wish to end myself. I just want it to end.

I started bleeding again. Only a few times and Michael stopped it. But enough to do the trick and remind me of why I wanted to stop. I promised you all I'd remain free and I am. For the most part.

I started being lonely again. It started slowly and to the core of my soul. Michael helps as well as he can, but I don't think anyone can help fix this. I don't even know where to start. I have my days.

I started blaming myself again. It's all my fault. Everything. Isn't it? I'm terrified that I can't stop this. Terrified of how I'm fine until I'm alone. No hiding it. I'm fine until everyone leaves and I'm left alone...

I'm not writing you to make you feel bad. Or request anything. Just wanted to fill you in on how I'm doing, since you asked. I'm happy you're happy, and it's falling into place. :) It's about time. I love you, and I like her too, so remind her. I hope it's as perfect as I want it to be.

                                                                         Yours Always,
                                                                                        Laura